there's nothing to see here but the rain

2002-06-01T20:41:00.000-04:00

it's been four months. i'm back online. are you happy?

playlist: hgtv - ahhh. the sweet sounds of cable television.

2002-01-29T04:51:00.000-05:00

he hurts. i try. is there anything i can do? i work. i create. i conjure. will it work? can things be alright? i hope so. nothing has ever been so perfect. don't let it go away now. it just wouldn't be fair.

you are my life, baby. everything i've worked for is here and for us to share. don't be so quick to run away. i'm not.

playlist: june of 44 - [the one with the fish on the cover]

2002-01-22T18:43:00.000-05:00

scott worden and brian eschbach kissing is the hottest thing ever.

playlist: vanessa's veal cut mix - a scott exclusive

2002-01-18T06:15:00.000-05:00

my thoughts are consumed with pictures of you. i cannot sleep without your presence.

here's some good news:
i found a solution. dreams may be carried out as planned.

sweet dreams my darling.

playlist: the jealous sound - perfect

2002-01-12T06:07:00.000-05:00

your words enlighten me. they lift my spirits unbelievably. i am beginning to see things in a clearer light. i realize that i just need to be surrounded by the sparkle of your eyes and the kindness of your words. maybe then all things will fall into place.

playlist: jack meowing because he's not happy with his new diet

2002-01-11T05:37:00.000-05:00

i have only been updating this thing about once a week due to new found hobbies in my life. i'm sorry for not recording my memories in the proper fashion.

sleep calls out to me. i feel sick and not so tired all of the time. i go from one worry to another and it probably will never end. i just want to run so far away. where no one knows me. nothing. nothing. away i go.

playlist: kitty kat slurping water from the turtle's tank

2002-01-08T05:15:00.000-05:00

sleep well my darling. i can see you tucked away out of the corner of my eye. away from all the temptation. away from all the sorrow. off too dreamland you travel with only the dearest of thoughts in your mind. i only wish good things for you.

playlist: sonic youth - goo

2002-01-02T22:46:00.000-05:00

it's very difficult for me to accept you as real person with real feelings. you aren't being fair to yourself or to others. respect is a key issue.

hmph. i'm too aggravated to finish this rant. all in all, i am angry, sick and tired of all the childish antics. i hope it will be resolved soon.

playlist: methodman and redman talking on the television

2001-12-30T06:04:00.000-05:00

a slight turn of events. disappointment is possible. things can't be good forever.

playlist: elliott - false cathedrals

2001-12-27T05:13:00.000-05:00

i have decided that holidays are pointless. they are just an inconvenience for people who don't celebrate or who are left out of the happy circle. everyone gets an abundance of gifts and they get to spend time with people they may or may not care about. i am one of those people who is on the outside of the circle. i get no recognition. sometimes i don't even think they know i exist. i'm sure it will change in time but it will never be like it was when i had a family.

playlist: emperor - wrath of the tyrant

2001-12-24T06:08:00.000-05:00

no one has anything to say. well, fuck you then. i know you read this. you see everything i am thinking. i am feeling. there is nothing for me to go on. i just live this pointless life. left with nothing. wait. there is a glimmer of hope. maybe this isn't worthless after all. so warm. so fucking warm. i would give anything to stay like this forever. help it happen. my heart can't take much more of this loneliness.

playlist: a special mix to mend my brain. oh my satan! am i this fucking sappy?

2001-12-21T03:50:00.000-05:00

overactive mind. pointless thoughts that turn into disbelief. wanting so bad to be optimistic but my head wants to be completely opposite. i feel so crazy. insane. insane. crazy. insane.

don't they have medicine for this?

playlist: not tonight.

2001-12-20T04:39:00.000-05:00

dreams just may be what they seem. don't discount everything that is said. it could possibly be true. these feelings are for real and i will not let you down.

just believe in these beautiful, sweet words.

playlist: the mixtape melody that is implanted in my head.

2001-12-17T02:18:00.000-05:00

i don't know what to think or feel these days. everything is such a blur. is anyone on my team? i think they just gave up because i suck so terribly. no one likes a loser.

i wish i could treat people better. the way they deserve to be treated. i feel like i'm being selfish all of the time. but i don't know how to resolve it. decisions have been so difficult to make. is it right or wrong? how will it turn out? will i ultimately be hurt in the end?

playlist: jimmy eat world songs stuck in my head from the show.

2001-12-15T17:31:00.000-05:00

i was feeling a little off when i woke up this morning. i was having nightmares. tears were running down my face. my breathing was very heavy. what was wrong with me? my dreams are usually very strange but never frightening. i grabbed on to what i could. it was comforting although i was still afraid to shut my eyes. everytime they closed, i could feel a pulse of extreme terror go through my body. i continued the fight with sleep for about an hour. eventually deciding that getting out of bed would be the best thing to do.

there were no clear pictures of severity that i could recall. just a normal night full of vivid images produced by my subconscious mind.

what am i afraid of?

playlist: various artists - plea for peace take action

2001-12-14T20:13:00.000-05:00

sorry. i'm a slacker.

playlist: nothing because i suck.

2001-12-08T06:11:00.000-05:00

to brian and scott: thank you sooooo much. you made me feel like i actually have friends.

work was so lame. i don't know what the hell i'm going to do. this economy better pick up otherwise you might find me in my room with a shotgun bullet to the brain. this is seriously the hardest times i have ever had and i don't feel comfortable with it. all of my memories fall on better days. great, i love being me. [note: sarcasm]

playlist: a stereo would be nice. maybe it would be some juno or mogwai.

2001-12-07T05:10:00.000-05:00

this is my idea of beautiful.

"i hold out my hand for you to touch. i lend out my thoughts for you to ponder. we dance on the star studded avenue. hand in hand, flesh on flesh. in leaves and in dreams we play. the moon lights the night sky. so i can see your face. has anyone told you you're pretty today? you are. so i think of you..........."

2001-12-05T07:39:00.000-05:00

online tests are for pussies.

Take the What Cat Are You? test by webkin!

If I were a work of art, I would be Heironymous Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights.

I am decadent and depraved. I have an eye for small details and love to fit in as much hedonistic pleasure as possible in everything I do. I buck authority and am not afraid to make a statement outside approved channels.

Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

Strawberry: 40/100 Pear: 0/100 Banana: 60/100 Tomato: 0/100 Lemon: 15/100

Take the What Fruit Are You? test by webkin and aaronr!

I'm The James Bond Villain Personality Test!

I live in a fictional world of spies and blonde women with ridiculous names, and I like to give people plenty of options. Although whether they're villainous is not optional.

Click here to find out which test you are!

If I were a James Bond villain, I would be Auric Goldfinger.

I enjoy golf, gold, and bisecting people with industrial lasers.

I am played by Gert Fröbe in Goldfinger.

Who would you be? James Bond Villain Personality Test

2001-12-05T05:28:00.000-05:00

i am posting this here also because livejournal is a piece of shit.

scene one: make the phone call. commence singing in the car. someone left me a perfect parking spot. i will save it for later use. ring doorbell. bzzzzzzz.

scene two: excerpts from the diary of a video game addict. feeling a little down. someone had crossed off my name. why so quick to write me off? i'm not just going to disappear. [by the way, that was the weakest ending ever.]

scene three: enter bedroom. take a seat on the couch. light a cigarette. i'm little uncomfortable at this point. which direction should i take? a little filling in of the weeks events and listening to music takes place. pop the question.

scene four: long pauses between important bits of information. this is making me feel more and more comfortable. i can read what i want to say. that doesn't mean i can actually say it. i completely understand. i really, really do. there is so much in common. are you sure we aren't twins? i think the best friends idea will work out just fine. noticing the tired eyes. but this is the most stimulating conversation i have had in weeks. i don't want it to end but it has to. damn.

scene five: this video game addict likes sports. goodbyes are exchanged. exit apartment. too many flights of stairs. ::wow, it is unseasonably warm outside:: thank yous are given. here is one amazing hug for you. you deserve it. the perfect parking spot is now being put to use. waving good bye. commence singing in the car and realizing that i am better than i think i am.

scene six: back in the suburbs again. i really miss the city sometimes. reflecting on the events. everything is going to be alright. i feel so grown up. yes, i believe that is a good thing. we will see where this progression takes us.

scene seven: sweet dreams.

playlist: candiria - 300 percent density

2001-12-03T19:53:00.000-05:00

it must have been a mistake. while you make things hard for me. i wouldn't hurt you at all if i didn't have to give in. it's our first fight. now that i see this side i want to more than i did before. this night has opened my eyes. i know you, hope i do now. communication's down. temptations, they crumble by your side. you say you wouldn't hurt me at all. i can't be sure that you meant it. if it's worth holding on to, we can't stay in between it.

playlist: rainer maria - look now look again

2001-12-03T15:39:00.000-05:00

don't leave without intentions of ever coming back.
vacation.
you take them.
if you wanted you'd ask them.
alone i'm outside.
red sky, i wait there.
snowfall above me.
so new yet fading.
graveyard.
run around or jump the fence.
don't leave without intentions of ever coming back

playlist: jimmy eat world - anderson mesa

2001-12-01T16:12:00.000-05:00

i miss him. we haven't talked in what seems like days. i hope he is feeling alright.

playlist: the casket lottery - choose bronze

2001-11-29T18:15:00.000-05:00

i've been fine all day and then i just got this weird empty feeling in my stomach. uh oh. what does it all mean? i hate when this happens.

i really hope work goes ok tonight. maybe that's what is worrying me. i really just need to talk to someone. is there anyone out there that wants to help?

my birthday is sneaking up on me fast. i had no idea getting old would feel like this. when i was younger, i thought it was all fun times. boy, was i wrong.

playlist: jawbox - for your own special sweetheart

2001-11-29T13:15:00.000-05:00

i think someone took a sneak peek in my closet before coming up with this one.

Which Evil Criminal are You?

my mother would be proud.

2001-11-29T00:03:00.000-05:00

what did i learn today:

- don't worry your pretty little head. things will turn out just fine.
- a little explanation goes a long way.
- i really do have more friends than i thought.
- my dream of going to school may have to be put on hold.
- the internet is a terrible thing. [i already knew that but was reminded of it today.]

the stomachache and headache have subsided. my thoughts are slowing down from their usual warp speed. i'm starting to feel comfortable in my own skin again. thank you.

playlist: this changes everything - a second nature recordings sampler

2001-11-28T17:08:00.000-05:00

i wish i had the gift of words. i have all of this "stuff" bottled up inside with nowhere to go. it is beginning to take it's toll. my head hurts and i feel worthless. i really think i just need someone to talk to. someone who won't call me crazy. someone who will understand.

there is this whole ideal picture i have in my mind. sometimes i feel too old to accomplish it. i know it's possible. maybe it's my lack of motivation. or maybe even a fear of failure. i don't think it is either one of those things but it could be. who knows.

playlist: i've been sitting in silence most of the day.

2001-11-26T18:23:00.000-05:00

i finally found someone to dance with me at shows. that makes me smile.

playlist: ink & dagger - the fine art of original sin

2001-11-26T14:21:00.000-05:00

i find this to be an excellent description of myself.

SlyPooka: i'm sure you are quite a stalwart provider of inebriation and refreshment

just in case you were ever wondering.

playlist: knapsack - this conversation is ending, starting right now

2001-11-24T03:35:00.000-05:00

yeah, nice. i got to see old friends. other than that, everything fucking sucks! sweet dreams.

playlist: i don't have one, asshole.

2001-11-23T21:17:00.000-05:00

let's hope tonight turns out the way i would like it. i'm gonna try this social thing. hopefully it doesn't fail horribly. i will keep you updated.

playlist: rival schools - united by fate

2001-11-22T14:07:00.000-05:00

another night at the bar turning into a seemingly neverending soap opera. why can't he just disappear?

playlist: six going on seven - self-made mess

2001-11-20T17:31:00.000-05:00

yesterday was a slightly eventful day. i got home at around noon. sat on the internet for a couple of hours. went over to scott stevens' house to eat dinner and play nintendo gamecube. got home at 8:30. showered. brian eschbach, sean whaley and amber boyer came over. we were gonna have a punk rock hair cutting party. at around 12:30 i showed up at the magic stick. all of the usual characters were there. a fight between ryan murphy and ted krisko broke out at about 1:00. i talked to leann for a while, which was very nice. we ended up back at sean and andy's for a good nights rest. i woke up at 11:30 today. cleaned up a little bit. hung out with leann and watch some non-cable television. we then went our seperate ways. i got home around 2:00. hopped on the computer and then received a phone call from spaghetti. this time he was threatening someone else. he says it was because of shit talking. i think it's because he's jealous. i called leann to let her know that threats were being made towards one of her best friends. she was pretty angry about the whole thing. so was i. oh well. hopefully the shit will just go away soon.

playlist: lifetime - hello bastards

2001-11-19T14:38:00.000-05:00

20% - 30% (Goth)

Depressed, mopey, but largely non-violent.
You're fully aware that life sucks, but it's more like a fashion thing to you - you can take it or leave it.
A healthy interest in the dark and evil, but *could try harder*.

Take the DeathKiddy Test!

what's with this goth thing. i don't get it.

playlist: cave in - jupiter

2001-11-16T15:20:00.000-05:00

thank you for being alright. i tend to worry too much. that is only because i care.

playlist: quicksand - manic compression

2001-11-15T16:19:00.000-05:00

the tone of the day is set by a beautiful smiling face. i very much enjoy the radiant light his eyes exude. sometimes i find my self questioning the reality of this whole thing. as it has been in the past, i do not get what i deserve. are things really going to change now? for the longest time i have put myself out there for people to use as a bridge. is it finally my turn to cross?

playlist: propagandhi - today's empires, tomorrow's ashes

2001-11-14T18:43:00.000-05:00

why does it feel like someone crushed my finger in a car door?

2001-11-14T18:40:00.000-05:00

she always was my favorite addams family member.

2001-11-14T14:06:00.000-05:00

all there is left for me is crazy dreams that make no sense, a life that is a complete blur and a constant wondering if things are going to turn out alright. my brain moves too quickly for it to be of any use. too much information. i never knew that was possible. i am in dire need of a stimulating conversation.

playlist: the dismemberment plan - the ice of boston

2001-11-13T22:48:00.000-05:00

i think he forgot about me.

playlist: dashboard confessional - the places you have come to fear the most (yeah, i'm lame)

2001-11-13T21:56:00.000-05:00

i'm kinda sad. no hanging out for me tonight. i understand though. when tiredness takes over there is nothing you can do.

so, anyhow. i decided that if you guys continue to read this thing, you should leave me comments or sign my guestbook. when you don't it just makes me feel like there are all kinds of creepy stalkers out there. i know that you aren't so leave me a message or something.

playlist: avail - 4 am friday

2001-11-13T16:06:00.000-05:00

just when i think things are on their scheduled path to the land of happiness, i get a swift kick in the ass that makes me remember that my life will never be the way i want it. cases of mistaken identity and high school bullshit might just ruin everything. i hope you don't hate me. as for matt, you are honestly the worst person i have ever encountered. i'm sure you don't realize how big of a mistake you made. it will come back. when it does, it will definately be in full force. i am now going to revert back to staying at home and drinking alone. the land of the social butterfly has crumbled. i need a vacation.

playlist: bane - give blood

2001-11-13T15:17:00.000-05:00

gee. who would've guessed?

I am 53% EMO.

Emo Kid.
Well.. I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater.

2001-11-12T16:09:00.000-05:00

settling back into the normal tone of my life. wait, did i just say normal? it's never normal. somebody please help me make my dreams come true.

playlist: the anniversary - designing a nervous breakdown

2001-11-10T16:04:00.000-05:00

monday, november 5th - cleveland, oh - beachland ballroom
the grog shop with 24 ounce cans of pabst blue ribbon
drunken hotel antics
hashbrown casserole
hopping in the van
tuesday, november 6th - pittsburgh, pa - club laga
walter singing rooftops
talking me into not go home
hitting the guard rail
passing out immediately in the hotel
everyones crazy dreams
wednesday, november 7th - albany, ny - valentine's
good vegan food
promoter hell
"holy shit! is that porcell?"
cute little bar downstairs
hotel in troy
obnoxiously loud snoring
thursday, november 8th - boston, ma - mass art gym
"maybe jason is up in that tree, naked and shivering. asking, 'please give me back my underwear'."
huge "smells like teen spirit" gymnasium
bus driver basketball
the squealing pig
teary eyed goodbyes
train in boston
20 hour bus trip
friday, november 9th - detroit, mi - home again
sean gauvreau
bane
head injury
it's shower time
sleepover

i wish i could be on the road forever. maybe i can make my dream come true.

playlist: the black dahlia murder

2001-11-10T13:32:00.000-05:00

ok. so i'm not really a groupie. just a really good friend who loves to hang out. i just got home yesterday and i already miss it. i just have a few things to say.

to george: you made me think and "live by my heart" i will.
to chris: thank you for your inspiring conversations and your ungodly snoring.
to chuck: i hope everything will be alright. you deserve happiness.
to jason: thank you for lifting my spirits through laughter.

you boys sure taught me alot.

to mason: i wish i had your "do anything" attitude.
to reno: what i would give to live in your shoes.
to rock: thanks for putting up with me.

i will never forget the kindness and generosity in all of you. you will all forever be close to my heart.

i didn't forget about jay, andy, casey and mike. thank you for being so much fun.

i will talk about my travels later. it's gonna be a novel so it will take some time to write out.

playlist: hot water music - neverender

2001-11-05T13:57:00.000-05:00

chicago was so much fun. thanks courtney and james for letting us stay. thanks sean and brian for making the drive worthwhile. hot water music was excellent as usual. we hung out again last night. thank you mike. i'm going to cleveland later on today with dan. i guess you could call me a hot water music groupie.

playlist: jawbreaker - dear you

2001-11-02T16:04:00.000-05:00

i'm getting ready to pick up brian so we can go see some bands. it should be fun. tomorrow it's off to chicago. i'm soooo excited. i get to see a bunch of people i haven't seen in a while. it's going to be really nice. i should go. i still have to get an oil change.

playlist: slayer - diabolus in musica

2001-11-02T02:34:00.000-05:00

today was such a good day. i got a lot of things done. i had the best conversation ever. *swoon* one more day until chicago and everything is excellent. this is me at my best. how i usually am. how all of my friends know and love me. what i would love to be every single day for the rest of my life. it is possible. i just need to find the perfect situation and hold on to it. it can grow from there. i can see that happening in my near future. i hope it doesn't slip away. good night and please have wonderful dreams. i know i will.

playlist: the dillinger escape plan - calculating infinity

2001-11-01T04:26:00.000-05:00

one more thing, can anyone picture me with long brown hair and pigtails? i couldn't either.

2001-11-01T04:24:00.000-05:00

the day started off ok. i was excited, it being halloween and shit. the fact that i had to work ruined it. i missed the party. brian and meghan came over and i wasn't here. i'm sorry. i got hit on by all kinds of creepy characters. that didn't help at all considering i am missing someone so much right now. the only good part of the night was the fact that i made my rent. yay!! it will be the first time in months i've been able to pay on time. i'm almost back on my feet. i guess it take losing a leech to get forward in life. that only makes sense. it also makes me feel good too. i try to be independant and owing people money definately does not make that happen.

i'm going to piebald on friday with brian. that should be pretty fun. i do have to leave early and that bums me out. but on saturday, it's on. it's a punk rock field trip to chicago to see hot water music, visit friends and pick up sean. that's going to make my smile better than brian arban's. time to go see what the leftover partiers are doing. good night.

playlist: casket lottery - random songs from a mixed tape

2001-10-31T13:07:00.000-05:00

happy halloween!! today is a super busy day. i have so much stuff to do an so little time. i'm just really stoked for this weekend. i will see you soon.

playlist: king for a day - before i go

2001-10-30T14:39:00.000-05:00

last night was punk rock bowling. same as usual except galindo was there. he always makes me happy when i see him. i don't really have much to say today. i really, really miss you.

playlist: sunny day real estate - the rising tide

2001-10-29T18:57:00.000-05:00

wait, i almost forgot. i sure do love it when you call me sweetheart.

2001-10-29T18:55:00.000-05:00

i had terrible dreams while taking a nap today. i thought i was dead. when i woke up i was all freaked out and i felt like i was going to throw up. fuck.

playlist: juno - a future lived in the past tense

2001-10-29T14:18:00.000-05:00

so i officially hate everything. i went up to the majestic to hang out with samantha and tony last night. that was all fine and dandy until some stupid bitch with short red hair had to ruin my night. she said something shitty about my little sister. nobody says shitty things about alexis. she finally ends up getting kicked out for starting a fight with one of her "friends". that was nice because i might have done something stupid if she didn't leave. i end up staying until after closing. tom needed a ride so i hooked him up. then the fun begins.

i missed two of my exits because i wasn't really paying attention. the third time i had to get off the expressway was when i hit a pothole the size of texas and blew out my tire. grand river and I-75 at 5 in the morning is not fun. plus it was really cold. i can change a tire just fine except for everything on my car decides to be really rusty and pretty much unusable. the bolts were on so tight that i couldn't them off. finally a cop drives by. they help me out. i get back in the car and am on my way. detroit police are good for something i guess.

playlist: botch - american nervoso

2001-10-28T16:34:00.000-05:00

here's a funny little game i was playing today.

Final Results (still standing)
You live in a shack.
You're married to Sean Gauvreau.
You drive a Ford Escort.
Your car is the color black.
You live in the state Hawaii.
Your honeymoon is in France.
Your occupation is a Superstar Scenester.
You have this many kids: 1 (0 male; 1 female).

Rejections (crossed out)
You don't drive a Volkswagon Jetta.
You don't live in the state Wyoming.
You don't have this many kids: 3.
You're not married to Bill Gates.
Your honeymoon is not in Japan.
You don't live in a Mansion.
Your car is not the color red.
Your occupation is not a Rock Star.
You're not married to Brian Arban.
Your honeymoon is not the Bahamas.
You don't drive an Audi tt.
You don't have this many kids: 10.
Your occupation is not a Brain Surgeon.
You don't live in a Apartment.
You don't live in a House.
You don't live in the state New York.
Your car is not the color green.

2001-10-28T05:38:00.000-05:00

ok, first it was work. and then it was shots. and then is was par-tay!!! i had fun. it was all about 20-somethings in costumes. something about that made me laugh. i feel too old for partys. i would have much rather been at the show. i guess i took in my fill of being old and a scenester. sometimes it makes me embarassed. sometimes its gets me more than i deserve. it's weird how things work these days.

i'm gonna miss him soooo much. if he doesn't get a ride, he'd better call me. i will drive him, talk to him and make sure things are ok. drop him off in chicago and hang out for a bit. that would be nice. i have nothing to do until tuesday.

i guess i'm gonna go to bed. i hope janna got home ok. she reminds me of my little sister, which is way more than excellent.

sweet dreams since i didn't get to tell you in person. oh yeah, scott stevens is my bestest friend ever.

playlist: orchid - rawk!!!

2001-10-27T17:41:00.000-04:00

i don't want to go to work tonight. i just want to go the rawk show and have fun. oh well, not everything can go my way. i went over to sean's earlier. brian and meghan were there too. sean made us lunch and then we all sat around for a bit. sean and i went up to target and meijer in search of a black t shirt. now i'm home. being sad because i have to work.

playlist: ottawa

2001-10-27T05:10:00.000-04:00

things are looking up. it's all about an understanding. no pressure. things will happen as they should. all i want is for him to be happy. sweet dreams my darling. i will see you tomorrow and all will be well.

oh wait, i forgot tonight's events. i went up to the magic stick to hang out. atombombpocketknife was excellent. i hung out with my friend dave whom i haven't seen in along time. it was good. it was all about the online time when i got home. hottttt is all i have to say.

hopefully we can figure out something for chicago. i want to hang out real bad. it could be something amazing. i'm a veteran, you know? i would love for things to work. then i could visit my favorite city and my favorite person.

playlist: alkaline trio - self-titled

2001-10-26T20:43:00.000-04:00

it's seems that i haven't been in my right mind in the last couple of days. i wonder what could be causing such interesting behavior. i hope i haven't been hurting anyones feelings. i think i need a vacation. i get all bummed out when i'm somewhere for too long. i'm going to go try and have fun tonight. maybe blur my mind a little bit. i will keep you updated.

playlist: gyga - it always makes me smile

2001-10-26T15:29:00.000-04:00

he made me cry. i give up.

playlist: discordance axis - the one that scott made for me.

2001-10-26T03:46:00.000-04:00

fuck, fuck, fuck. being rejected sucks. i think i'm just gonna give up. "ball up and cry. don't you feel like you could die. wash it away with alcohol tonight." shit. and guess what. there's no more alcohol. i guess i just have to suffer in my own unpleasant boredom and pain. *nighty night* i hope i wake up in the morning. or maybe i don't.

playlist: like you fucking care anyway.

2001-10-25T04:10:00.000-04:00

sometimes it seems like my life is going nowhere. everything is so unsure. the happiness comes and goes. without sounding too pathetic, i wish the happy could be permanent. all i really need is comfort and reassurance. i think those are reasonable requests. i just need something or someone to erase this neverending loneliness.

besides all of this emo nonsense, here are the events of the day. it was super nice at the beginning of the day so i went and picked up sean and took him out to lunch. then we went out to oakland mall. i was in search of a replacement nose ring. the best part about the mall is ice cream. so we indulged in that and cruised back out to sean's. next order of business was to extract brian arban from his house. that process was a little difficult because it was "tornadoing out" and he was worried we might die on the way to get him. after we picked up brian, we decided to get a movie. we rented 'blow'. dude, that was one of the saddest movies i have ever seen. it brought back all kinds of terrible memories.

i wish i could have told you that i forgive you. you will always be my inspiration. maybe one last hug. or to look in your eyes and tell you how much i love you. those are things i wish i could have done. a terrible image left burning in my mind. i will never forget you. you are my shining star.

playlist: christie front drive - stereo sound

2001-10-24T05:41:00.000-04:00

i separated myself from the computer for a few hours and watched best in show with sean, tony and lyncee. it was really funny. i'm all sad and shit and i know i shouldn't be. things will work out the way they are supposed to. listen to me, i sound like such a hippie. in any event, i am always prepared for the worst. time to sleep. i'm always dreaming of you.

playlist: alkaline trio - from here to infirmary

2001-10-24T05:22:00.000-04:00

stolen from luke larson

1. Name? vanessa paulienne jones
2. Birthday? december 11, 1977
3. Zodiac? sagittarius
4. Sex? female
5. What time is it? 4:50 am

Have you ever:
6. Said "I love you" and not mean it? no
7. Been in love? yes
8. Been to New York? yes.
9. California? yes
10. Minnesota? yes
11. Hawaii? yes
12. Mexico? yes
13. China? no
14. Canada? yes
15. Danced naked? no
16. Dreamed something and then it happens the next day? yes
17. Stalked someone? i don't know if you would call that stalking.
18. Had a mud bath? no
19. Had an imaginary friend? no

This or that?
20. Apples or bananas? apples
21. Red or blue? red, of course
22. Vanilla or chocolate? chocolate
23. Comedy or horror? what about both.
24. Wal-mart or Target? target
25. Spring or fall? spring
26. Santa or Rudolph? santa. he brings me presents.
27. Math or English? math
28. righty or Lefty? righty

Stuff...
29. What was the last food you ate? pizza rolls with ranch dressing
30. High school or college? high school
31. Are you bored with life? sometimes.
32. How many of your buddies are on? 8/68. (5 of them are away)
33. Last movie you saw? best in show
34. Last noise you heard? alkaline trio
apparantly someone didn't like questions 35 - 52.

A couple more questions:
53. Last time you went out of state? september 30
54. Where did you go? chicago, il
55. Lucky Numbers? 3, 11
56. Things you like in a girl/guy? eyes, smile, personality
57. Best thing about yourself? lips
58. Do you have crush on someone? sure i do.
59. Do they know? of course.
60. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? it would be nice.
61. What's his/her name? i can't tell you that. it's top secret information.
62. What do you think about Ouija boards? they are creepy but good.
63. What book are you reading now? nothing right now. someone moved out and took all of the good books.
64. What's on your mouse pad? a little japanime guy called "hot head"
65. Favorite board game? the game of life
66. Favorite sound? music, of course.
67. Worst feeling in the world? having something restrict your breathing/a broken heart. it's hard to choose.
68. How many rings before you answer? two.
69. Future daughter's name? something that starts with a v
70. Future son's name? i'm not sure. but the middle name is michael no matter what.
71. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? yes.
72. Favorite alcoholic drink? pabst blue ribbon
73. What is you dream job? i want to be a rock star!!
74. What is your favorite soft drink? i don't do soft drinks.
75. What time is it now? 5:04 am

2001-10-23T19:45:00.000-04:00

i'm glad i have decided to waste an entire day sitting on the internet. gee, maybe i should get a life. i think i'm gonna take a shower now. watch some television. eat some food. i don't know. anything but this. it's starting to make my head hurt.

playlist: hot rod circuit - if it's cool with you, it's cool with me

2001-10-23T04:50:00.000-04:00

i made vegan macaroni and cheese for dinner. too bad scott and alice missed it. i hope everyone liked it. rock n bowl was pretty lame. like usual. thanks for the high five vince. i knew you would think sarah was cute. she could almost be your twin. lyncee threw up everywhere and i had to leave kind of early. samantha wants to hang out and so does tony. yay!!! new friends are good. i wanna hang out tomorrow. maybe we can see "from hell". i will hold your hand during the scary parts. later, yo!

playlist: living sacrifice - the hammering process

2001-10-22T04:50:00.000-04:00

I AM 35% GEEK.

oh yeah, and i'm 49% gay. interesting.

playlist: grade - under the radar

2001-10-22T03:28:00.000-04:00

oh yeah. tonight was weird. but fun none the less. i don't have much to say. sorry to disappoint you. oh yeah, that "missed you" hug was rad.

playlist: bell biv devoe - do me. ask corey, he can tell you all about it.
another bad creation - aisha. reliving middle school, yo!

2001-10-21T20:03:00.000-04:00

i sure am lonely.

playlist: knapsack - this conversation is ending starting right now

2001-10-21T13:12:00.000-04:00

I AM 50% PUNK.

2001-10-21T04:49:00.000-04:00

death cab for cutie was really good. the show was super packed. i got to work late because i thought doors were at 9pm but they were really at 8pm. all of the usual suspects were there. except for one. he cheated and saw them yesterday. i did make a little bit of money though. some people had to be poked and prodded to give it up. everyone else was okay.

scott finally ended up calling me at 7pm. i was super bummed. saturday is our day to hang goddammit! i got screwed because alice had the day off. i guess she has priority. she is married to him you know. oh yeah, and it was sweetest day on top of that. fuck sweetest day! i am destined to never have a sweetheart or a valentine, ever. two hallmark holidays no one should ever care about but they affect millions of lonely humans. how fucking lame. quit whining vanessa and go to bed. the one who saved you from your demise is coming home tomorrow. yay!!! all of my dreams are for you.

playlist: fugazi - the arguement. so effin good. if you don't have it, go get it.

2001-10-20T17:44:00.000-04:00

i got the best letter in the world today. it was a financial aid award letter saying that i had money so i can go to school. that's fucking awesome. yay!!!!!

oh yeah, i almost forgot about something that happened last night. i guess this boy todd has been trying to find me for three weeks now. he's been coming up to my work on random nights hoping to run into me. well last night he was in luck (i guess). he bought me a ticket for jane's addiction which is tonight. he came up to my work to ask me if i wanted to go with him. that was pretty crazy considering i've never officially been asked on a date. i had to tell him no though because i have to work. i told sam what happened and she offered to work for me so i could go. i told her it was alright, i don't want to go on a date with him. there's only one person i want to cuddlle with. time to go. maybe there will be something interesting to tell you later. or maybe not.

playlist: six going on seven - self made mess

2001-10-20T03:59:00.000-04:00

yeah. what a long, long day. i had to work at both of my jobs. 9am - 3am sucks.

let's see. where do we start. today was mike's last day at work. that made me sad. he was saying all kinds of funny stuff and i know it's not gonna be the same without him. we went to some mexican restaurant for lunch. i was kinda bummed because i knew i wouldn't be able to eat anything there. i got off a little early so i could go home and take a nap cause i had to work my other job. i didn't sleep. then i got the phone call.

it was matt. he was calling to apologize about the events on wednesday. he said he only did that because it was the only way he could get closure. nice. i still think it effin sucked. i guess he's been hanging out with leann since that night. i think he has a crush on her. that's good. i hope she gets treated better than i did. anyone he decides to date for that matter. he also told me he was moving to chicago or berkeley. i hope he chooses california. heather is there and she will take real good care of him. he needs an extra mom.

the magic stick show was extra long. some hippy r'n'r band played for 2 hours. at least tomorrow will be better. it's something i enjoy. those nights don't ever seem to be nearly as long. at least i made some money tonight. that's all that really mattered.

tomorrow is sweetest day. i hope someone wants to be my sweetheart. off to bed i go. maybe i'll dream of you. that would be nice.

playlist: jimmy eat world - clarity. (the only voice i want to hear is yours.)

2001-10-19T00:30:00.000-04:00

i actually went to work again today. it was tougher than usual. only because mike is leaving so there is gonna be a lot more responsibility put on me. sean came over when i got home from work. i made him dinner. i hope he liked it. it wasn't my best of all creations. next time i'll have to do better. then we watched some movies. he just left cause he has to work and go to chicago and stuff. have fun! chicago is awesome. i'm just glad i got one of those rad hugs before he's gone. hopefully we get to hang out on sunday.

playlist: elliott - u.s. songs

2001-10-18T01:19:00.000-04:00

tonight was interesting. to say the least. i got to see half of grade. kyle winked at me. it was cute. botch was super rad. my friend heather was selling merch for american steel. i always like to see her. she makes me happy. then the shit hit the fan. i got threatened by lydia. i just shook her hand and walked away. then spaghetti wouldn't leave me alone. he cornered me in the cooler and wanted to talk to me. i ran upstairs cause i was scared. i watched the rest of botch. he kept threatening to kick me out so i decided to leave instead. andrea and i went to the detroiter. i had a beer, she had a sprite. we talked about boys. it was nice. then i had to go back to get my ride and all hell broke loose. andrea and i walked in and went to the bathroom. i talked to leann for a second. (i think she was drunk.) we went into the ballroom and i said bye to heather and kyle. i don't see them that often. then eric z. was motioning for me to look in the direction of spaghetti. (i was trying to avoid that.) he was giving me the double finger and mouthing eff you in every direction. i went over to abby and asked her if she new where nathan was cause he was my ride. next thing i know, the boy is in my face yelling and screaming. and then he does the unthinkable. he spits in my eye. sick. i grabbed him by his sweatshirt and threw him into the wall (and trashcan). then security came over and grabbed him. the one guy put his hand on my shoulder and walked me out. i told him thanks. (cause i'm nice like that.) i was outside waiting for my ride when spaghetti came storming the door. like five security guys grabbed him. that's when i left. eff that. violence is for children. just think, an hour before then he was telling me he still wanted to be my boyfriend. yeah, right. i have other things in mind. which reminds me, i should go. he doesn't stay up forever.

playlist: the sounds of murder city devils from down the street. all the chaos caused me to miss them. fuck.

2001-10-17T19:27:00.000-04:00

i think i hurt my arm really bad. something is just not right. hopefully i won't get too crazy at the show and hurt it some more. i think i will just stick to the punk rock photography and maybe a little dancing. my boss was kind of disappointed in me that i didn't show up for work in the last couple of days. after i explained why, he was more understanding. the circumstances were not the best. he took me out for a meeting/drinks after work. we talked about alot of stuff not just work. boys, music, business and what not. he always clears things up for me. so does mike hasty. they are like my two big brothers i never had. i'm sad that mike is leaving for guitar center. oh well, i'll just have to go visit him up there. well, i'm off to the show. murder city devils, botch and grade. mmmmm, good.

playlist: alkaline trio - maybe i'll catch fire

2001-10-17T09:43:00.000-04:00

off to work i go. see, i'm not a slacker after all.

2001-10-17T01:43:00.000-04:00

no luck finding shoes. but i did get to see andrea at brairwood mall. she promised to dance with me tomorrow at the show. that makes me happy. i can't decide if i want to go to work or not tomorrow. we shall see. off to bed i go. the only person i want to talk to is asleep. *sweet dreams*

playlist: boy sets fire - the day the sun went out

2001-10-16T16:28:00.000-04:00

off to ann arbor to do shoe shopping. yay!!! i get to hear that voice.

playlist: cave in - until your heart stops

2001-10-16T04:42:00.000-04:00

2001-10-16T04:26:00.000-04:00

sitting in the rain while arguing sucks. especially when it's cold. i just want to tell people to fuck off but i'm way too nice sometimes. i need to remember that my feelings come first sometimes and stop sacrificing that for people who really don't deserve it. and i didn't get to hear the voice that i wanted to hear. that bummed me out. oh well. i'll just have to dream about it then.

playlist: the all too soothing sounds of corey's fan

2001-10-16T01:20:00.000-04:00

today was long and tedious. the boy was harassing me all day long. he won't let me leave. it sucks. but after all of that nonsense i got to hang out with sean, scott and alice. we went and ate at red robin. it was yummy. then we all went back to the stevens residence and watch some television while alice took pictures of all of us. hopefully the rest of my night will go well.

playlist: the faint - not by choice. it's flowing from the other room

2001-10-15T15:35:00.000-04:00

if things could be more fucked up. i can't do anything without everyone in this world knowing about it. all i want is to be happy and also to make people happy. i always choose the wrong people to hang out with and then i get stuck in a rut that seems like nothing can be solved. i usually can help other people with thier problems but i can't seem to help myself. it's like i'm some sort of sucker or something. i'm not really sure what it is but i do know that it effin sucks.

so anyway, i decided that i would use this thing so that i can remember my day to day activities. i seem to have an excellent memory when it comes to numbers and serving drinks, but i have a terrible memory when it comes to anything else. so i guess we can recap the last couple of days events. that is assuming that i can remember most of it.

we will start out on thursday because i got to hang out with my friend sean and it was rad. we went to denny's for a little bit and then we came back to my house and watched some television. all of my roomates were home so it was all types of comedy as usual. i felt bad because i kept him out all late and he didn't seem very used to that. hopefully he wasn't bummed.

ok, now on to friday. i had to work in morning. i think i got off early but i'm not really sure. hung around the house for a little bit and then lyncee and i went out bar hopping. first we went to small's. that was pretty cool because it was my friend josh's 30 birthday so there were a whole bunch of characters hanging out. all of my old co-workers from kba were there. liz is super funny. paula and liz were trying to hook me up with my friend dave. i guess he's had a crush on me for a while. i'm not into him but he's super nice. i hate when that happens cause sometimes things can get weird. at around 12:30 we decided to go up to st. andrew's hall for 3 floors of whores. that was a bad idea. lyncee was already drunk and i was just asking for trouble. my boyfriend (spaghetti) doesn't seem to understand that just because he works in club doesn't mean that i'm never going to hang out there. so we end up getting in an arguement because he was telling me to leave and i didn't want to. i then proceeded to cause a scene by shoving, flicking cigarettes and throwing drinks. totally not my style. lyncee and i left and went home.

on to saturday. i was all stoked to sleep in when i received a phone call from scott at 11am asking if i wanted to go play the new nintendo cube. of course i obliged. he picked me up in alice's rad jetta. we cruised out to royal oak, had some mongolian bbq and then discovered that they had moved the nintendo thing to pontiac. needless to say, we were heartbroken. we then decided to go home and take naps. i slept for a little bit and then went to go hang out with sean. i picked him up and we went up to my roommate sarah's work so that i could give her the present i bought for her in royal oak. she wasn't there. shit. so sean and i went next door to look at the little animals. he liked the bunnies. it was so cute. i then dropped him off and went home to get ready for work. that kinda bummed me out. so then i got to work and come to find out, everyone thought i moved to chicago. ok, whatever. so i had to work this crappy hippy techno show. it was terrible but i made enough money to pay rent. rad. when i got home, sean was waiting for me. we were gonna watch the labrynth and have a punk rock slumber party. pretty soon the house was full with sarah, tony, heather, lyncee, sean and me. it was funny. we might as well be the real world house livonia. then off to sleep for me.

sunday started off being super good. i was happy and everything was going well. i ate vegan pancakes (yummy!) with tony, lyncee and heather. then i forced sean to go grocery shopping with me. sorry, i know it's torture. we dropped of the groceries, went back to his house to pick up his sister meghan and left for the wired frog. the black dahlia murder was playing and i had never seen them before so i though i'd check it out. i was very impressed. just the kind of metal to make me smile. we left just after they were done playing and that is when the drama begins. enough said.

playlist: converge - petitioning the empty sky

2001-10-15T02:00:00.000-04:00

i'm crossing over.

playlist: christie front drive - anthology